Now, I’m not going to lie to you. Last year, John’s cake was.. semantically challenged. Not because he’s a Geordie and nobody can understand him, but because his entry was, well, not the cakeiest thing ever served. In fact it was more of a cross between soup and a 1970′s party dip. But what to dip in it? This year, he provided the answer.
What last year’s offering lacked in viscosity, this year’s balanced out and then some. According to Wikipedia, The Mohs scale of mineral hardness is based on the ability of one natural sample of matter to scratch another. Well, these.. things could, with sufficient force behind them, score a sizeable furrow in the surface of a diamond, giving them a Moh’s score in excess of ten and classifying them as “ultrahard fullerite”, a substance only previously used to open out-of-date bottles of London Pride.
They’re lucky they didn’t hit a plate of these while digging the Channel Tunnel; the bit would have exploded and blown a hole in the ocean floor so deep that the entire North Sea would have drained into the water table under France, causing it to detach from Europe and float away into the North Atlantic.
Actually, John, I might have a job for you.
Concocted from a secret recipe of marshmallows, chocolate biscuits, advanced algebra sums and football hooligans, John named his amazing creations “Puppy ****s in the snow” and grinned with inner peace known only to those wise enough not to shatter their poor incisors attempting to eat his terrifying, zirconia-scratching meteorites of death.
In fairness, if you could manage to chip a piece off and swallow it, they didn’t taste too bad.
Nicole, on the other hand, had brought a rather more conventional looking offering. A light, spongy texture was a welcome relief, studded with juicy and crisp chunks of delicious fresh apple. The sponge was tasty and pleasantly textured with shavings of almond and, generally, a soothing balm after the recent trauma.
Now, last time John attempted to murder Cake Club voters there was a shock result with him just one vote away from snatching the crown from Zahra but this year they were not so forgiving and Nicole was pronounced the victor, a bold 9 votes to just 2. Gummy and broken, cake clubbers will be back on Monday for more thrills, spills and enamel-cracking drama in meeting room 2!