Horror Movie Survival Tips

As a big (well, I’m quite short, really…) horror fan, I am not ashamed to admit that I have watched a fair few movies of the genre, but no matter how terrifying or lame, realistic or far-fetched, starring monsters or serial-killers, there is one thing always bothers me: there always comes a bit in the movie when I find myself shouting at the screen and gesticulating  frantically in a bid to save the blond big-breasted heroine or the antihero from an all too obvious fate. Let’s face it, a lot of horror movies rely on the main character’s complete lack of common sense and so many innocent lives could be saved by just following a few simple, obvious rules:

About buildings:

Never move in a house that was built on top of a cemetery/Indian burial ground. The same applies if the said house was once used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who turned out to be psycho killers or died in some gruesome way. If you like the house despite its past, bring a priest, exorcist, shaman and make sure to stock on holy water, bibles and a decent weapon (not forgetting some ammo – a gun without bullets is hardly efficient when facing Mr Psycho or hungry zombies).

When in a house or multi-storey building and trying to escape, make your way down. If you decide to ignore this advice, pack a parachute and carry it with you at all time, as once you’ve reached the top, your only escape will be to jump!

If you think something dangerous is lurking in the dark, please switch the light on!!! Especially if on your way to check the basement – or at least bring a torch light, not a candle!!!. However, the safest advice is “ignorance is bliss”: if you hear footsteps upstairs while on your own or if the phone rings but the lines are dead when you try to call back, leave without asking any questions (especially if you are a babysitter). And of course, if the door is locked, aim for a window instead of wasting your time trying to unlock it!

If your house starts to bleed or if knives start flying of their own accord, move out.

About locations:

Avoid cemeteries, crypts and any other house of the dead, especially at night. Even more if it is full moon or if there is no moon. Even more if alone or with some guy you’ve only known for a few hours.  Even more if said stranger has a chainsaw…

If a town looks deserted, there is probably a good reason why and an even more valid one for staying away.

About vehicles:

Always check the back seat of your car or the back of your van. Be especially cautious if doors are left wide open or unlocked.

If you run out of petrol, do not go to the nearest empty looking house, even if it has a light burning at the window (unless you are hoping to meet a sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania, of course!).

Even if your car’s been checked recently and has an up-to-date MOT, expect it not to start instantly when chased. You’ll usually have to try a couple of times before it ignites.

If possible, get on the bus as there will most likely be somebody on your car’s back seat, you will trip over if trying to run, taxi drivers are usually possessed or on some blood thirst driven quest, as for the tube… well, what sane person would like to be stuck underground in a dark tunnel when monsters and killers are on the rampage?

About people:

Beware of people who seem overly friendly or helpful. They’ll only be trying to lure you to their shack to skin you alive or offer you in sacrifice.

Beware of stranger carrying any type of odd weapons (including, but not restricted to: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws).

Beware of people you think would be fit to star in a horror movie in general (Goths don’t apply; they usually know how to kick some butt!)

Children who speak Latin, even more if in a guttural voice, and/or who have the number of the beast carved in their scalp are usually a bad omen.

If somebody you know gets bitten by a zombie, give up any hope and administer mercy killing instantly.

Fighting techniques:

When dealing with zombies, aim for the head. The brain is the centre of the nervous system. Don’t bother wasting your strength or ammo on other body parts.

When the baddie or monster looks dead, never go back to check it really is. Similarly, if you kill the psycho, never leave the room as his body will be gone when you return.

If a shotgun has no effect on the monster, don’t waste your time with the small handgun or the kitchen knife…

In general:

Nothing is ever over until day break so keep running/hiding until morning.

Never say “Who’s there?”.  You don’t want to know. Just run!

If you’ve been warned that saying something three times in front of a mirror will bear terrible consequences, please refrain from doing it!  Do not just do it in order to demonstrate how silly people can be! On the same basis, never make a joke of reading out loud incantations that will summon a demon.

If your dad gives you a cute fuzzy little animal for Christmas and it has certain rules to follow with regards to its diet, follow the rules!

Please print and carry this handbook with you at all times. You never know when it will come handy.

As for me, I can now go to bed and sleep peacefully, thinking of all the lives my post will save and how the world will be a better place from now on… That’s if the thing that hides under my bed decides to leave me alone tonight… Sweet dreams!